here there are so many reasons
to take the steps to better yourself.
To get healthy, to get happy
to get well; somewhere
I am and another place
I have been.
Taking pills and smoking grass
with that place's sunset
seems better now
than even this
and I swear to myself
that I love I am
and my life,
when I begin to wonder
if I am my life
I myself
or my life within myself.
Serenity will take up a couple hours, but it won't erase a day.
By placing myself here
as opposed to there
I allow myself ignorance
other themes and other heroes
and endless simplifications
act like serenity in sentence.
So as the poem gets better,
I get ill
and hopefully when it gets perfected
I will be nowhere at all.
Until then, I will stay away from serenity, away from "the break of day o'er a wheat field in fall when the gold is gone and the dinge is all."
I will live here
away from romance
and expectedness
and hope you
can guess what I'll say next
before my anger gets the best of my beauty
and I break a foot on the third trochee,
then I'll cut it off altogether
leaving only here and me here.
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4 comments:
I think you bring out some interesting ideas here but you need to work to clear up ambiguities. For instance, in the end,
"leaving only here and me here."
there's an implied distinction between "here" and "me here"; the place, and your presence, as different but similar elements. You need to differentiate these somehow, or create a pause. More commas, maybe?
"Leaving only here,
and me here."
There are other ambiguities that hamper the poem more than that one, for instance,
"With that place's sunset
seems better now
than even this"
What is "that place"? What is "this"? These elements need more definition to be effectively invoked. You don't need to explain where they are, you don't need to be too explicit about it, because I think to some extent "here" and "there" being ambiguous is a major part of the poem, but they need to be associated more with a feeling or an idea so as to create a response from the reader. It's too personal and vague right now. Vague is fine, but make it universal. You hint at the associations in the very beginning, and scattered in a few other parts, but they need to be stronger and clearer to really evoke something. I hope that made sense, sorry for all the criticism. I like the general idea, but I think a clarification of the themes would make it more evocative.
i love it. i dig the complex and simple aspects. it may be because i live with you but i think i understand what you are saying. see you soon.
This is sweet in an E. E. Cummings kind of way.
Wow all I can say is that you are a great writer! Where can I contact you if I want to hire you?
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