Wednesday, May 9, 2007

play dead

there's something about looking into every person's eyes and wondering if it's going to be the last time you'll ever see them that really fucks with you. i look at pictures of people that i love on our final days together and it nearly makes me sick how happy we seem. do i really have a good reason? is this the best thing for me? onwards and upwards.

more than anything else i hate this feeling. this feeling of having an endpoint. suddenly every awkward moment i've had and every time i've questioned whether or not these are the people that i really want to be defining myself by are all coming back to bite me. maybe these things take time. maybe i'm stuck in the past. offwards and downwards?

i don't think i'll ever know for sure.

i'm hoping that, forty years from now, i'll look back on everything i've gone through and think that maybe i'll be thankful that things worked out in the way that they did. that maybe this is just a learning experience and that this is all for the "greater good" whatever the fuck that means. saying goodbye and meaning it is one of the most gut-wrenching things a person can do, and the idea that this really might be the last time i see a certain person completely throws me for a loop. i dont' want certain things to end. i want everyone to coexist and be happy but there's no way that can happen in an environment like this. i'm in need of a change of scenery when everything that i've grown accostomed to is so beautiful.

i dont' know what exactly kills me so much about this entire situation. maybe it's the fact that i feel like i'm metaphorically sitting on my hands while the entire world passes me by. that i'm stuck in the past. that i'm trapped in this mindset that was atmittedly great but obviously time to pass. that i feel like i'm going in so many directions all at once it's hard to know which one is the enlightened path and which one will lead to dissapointment.

i suppose everyone goes through something like this.

maybe i just thought it would never really happen to me.