Tuesday, January 8, 2008

your problems my space

Yesterday while studying in a local library branch, I happened upon this ditty of a message typed up on a computer. At the time, it was ready to be posted on some, I'm assuming, young boys myspace. I ignored the piece at first because I was busy reading about dead people in a Norton Anthology and it wasn’t until a friend called that I started to zone out and listlessly read what was on the screen in front of me. I don’t know who the “Tiffany14” this letter is addressed to and I haven’t a clue as to who “Hockeyman48” could be. What I do know is “Hockeyman48” hates global warming, likes hockey and action movies, and belongs to an evangelical church. Maybe you, avid reader of words and poetry, can help figure out more about the genius this prose paints...

Dear Tiffany14,

Today I realized that I’m very upset. I wrote some really sad stuff about global warming and got frightened. Sometimes when I think about global warming, I think about two scenes from Mel’s Opus and eighties classic, Beyond Thunderdome. One of them has a group of kids looking at a viewfinder at images they’ll never see. One’s of the Eiffel Tower and one of Taj Mahal. I think there’s one of the Great Wall and one of the Statue of Liberty too but these kids don’t know what they’re seeing and they have no one to explain it to them cause they’re future orphans. The movie ends with this other scene of people sheltered in a bombed out building in Sydney. The woman elder is holding a baby and telling stories to the people of how they were saved. But you know what? They’re just screwed anyways, have you seen Road Warrior? Where are they going to find oil to motor their cool cars? Besides, there’s roving gangs of dudes in bondage and chicks with sharp boomerangs all over Australia.

Anyways, I felt really sad today after I read all this history about books and people that won’t care when the ice caps will finish melting. What are we going to do then? You know, it might be kind of fun. We can both get boats and meet in what used to be the Grand Canyon. Hopefully by then it will be a sweet water park with awesome slides and no lines! So much going through my head and I can’t think of much right now except for the Chipotle I had for lunch. I’m going to miss Chipotle in the future. Today I had some and it was really good. Do you know they make their chips fresh everyday? Don’t tell anybody but I always get a cup of water and when I leave, I fill it up with diet coke

Anyways, when I come visit you, I’ll bring a VHS copy of Beyond Thunderdome. I think you’d really like it. This church I used to be a part of had a copy of it in paperback. Pretty neat huh? I used to sneak out of church and read it on this damp shag carpeted library that had pretty cool books. You know, Lutherans are alright but what are your favorite action movies? Commando was on TV the other day. Have you seen that? There’s this part where Arnold is with this girl and they are in this awesome car chase. So Arnold smashes right into this terrorist and flips his car over! He then gets out and dangles the guy over a cliff! The girl doesn’t see this, she’s in the car or shopping or something, but Arnold drops him and the guy falls and dies. When he meets up with the girl, she asks him about what he did to the terrorist and, this is great, you’ll never believe this, he says “I let him go.”
I know right? It’s funny cause the girl is satisfied thinking he really let him off the hook but Arnold dropped him like 60 STORIES onto rocks!

Anyways today I read that Shaxberd (people used to call him this in history!) left his second bed to his wife after he died and not his first which I don't think makes sense. Someone told me he wasn’t real though. I think I saw a history channel program about it once and they did a really good job of covering all the potential people that he could have been. Some people even think Queen Elizabeth could have been him! You know the British used to go to Italy and Spain and see women acting and get blown away because the women were actually good at stage. Can you believe that Tiffany14? They would come back to London and talk about how women were actually good at acting! In London they did this cross-dressing thing which is okay with me. My daddy doesn’t think so though. He got kind of upset when he came home and I was wearing my sister’s shoes. But he got over it and decided to take me to my new church that the president likes. It’s kind of creepy but we sing great songs and I get my head touched and sometimes I spasm a lot and fall down and bawl but everyone else is too so it’s okay. Do you believe in God Tiffany14?

Well I gotta go to sleep.


Joseph said...

i wish i thought about mad max as much as this kid does.

shaxberd can't like chipotle in the future b/c he was never real, wawesome

Keith said...

ever seen that show "to catch a predator"?

i have a feeling hockeyman will be making a guest appearance in the near future...

Simon said...

dear hockeyman48,
Im sorry to hear you're feeling so sad. It's ok though, if G. W. endorses a church, you'll be believing falsified scientific evidence in no time. Soon enough you wont believe in global warming or casual cross dressing at all.
By the way, I think mad max is only a metaphor for 'gangs of dudes in bondage' as you so aptly put it. But hey, as long as god is into spasming and falling down in large groups, (hopefully of groups consisting of aforementioned dudes in bondage) you'll be in like flynn.
ok, maybe according to Leviticus 18:22 you're fucked like the guy Arnold is hanging off the cliff or your bowels after a hefty portion of barbacoa and refried beans, but Tiffany14 seems to have shown enough interest in you to warrant a long email about nothing, so that something, right?