Really Any Wonder

Pride
is something I'll never be guilty of.
I never claimed to have it right,
I just claimed to have it.
So, if someone becomes a believer
it's beautiful, but secondary.
Sing it, or read it, but
do not think for one second
that I will try to coerce you.
Rhetoric is for the philosophers.
Banter is for the commoners.
Boasting is for the misinformed.
Complaint is for the misanthropic.
So here
is my humility.

your problems my space

Yesterday while studying in a local library branch, I happened upon this ditty of a message typed up on a computer. At the time, it was ready to be posted on some, I'm assuming, young boys myspace. I ignored the piece at first because I was busy reading about dead people in a Norton Anthology and it wasn’t until a friend called that I started to zone out and listlessly read what was on the screen in front of me. I don’t know who the “Tiffany14” this letter is addressed to and I haven’t a clue as to who “Hockeyman48” could be. What I do know is “Hockeyman48” hates global warming, likes hockey and action movies, and belongs to an evangelical church. Maybe you, avid reader of words and poetry, can help figure out more about the genius this prose paints...

Dear Tiffany14,

Today I realized that I’m very upset. I wrote some really sad stuff about global warming and got frightened. Sometimes when I think about global warming, I think about two scenes from Mel’s Opus and eighties classic, Beyond Thunderdome. One of them has a group of kids looking at a viewfinder at images they’ll never see. One’s of the Eiffel Tower and one of Taj Mahal. I think there’s one of the Great Wall and one of the Statue of Liberty too but these kids don’t know what they’re seeing and they have no one to explain it to them cause they’re future orphans. The movie ends with this other scene of people sheltered in a bombed out building in Sydney. The woman elder is holding a baby and telling stories to the people of how they were saved. But you know what? They’re just screwed anyways, have you seen Road Warrior? Where are they going to find oil to motor their cool cars? Besides, there’s roving gangs of dudes in bondage and chicks with sharp boomerangs all over Australia.

Anyways, I felt really sad today after I read all this history about books and people that won’t care when the ice caps will finish melting. What are we going to do then? You know, it might be kind of fun. We can both get boats and meet in what used to be the Grand Canyon. Hopefully by then it will be a sweet water park with awesome slides and no lines! So much going through my head and I can’t think of much right now except for the Chipotle I had for lunch. I’m going to miss Chipotle in the future. Today I had some and it was really good. Do you know they make their chips fresh everyday? Don’t tell anybody but I always get a cup of water and when I leave, I fill it up with diet coke

Anyways, when I come visit you, I’ll bring a VHS copy of Beyond Thunderdome. I think you’d really like it. This church I used to be a part of had a copy of it in paperback. Pretty neat huh? I used to sneak out of church and read it on this damp shag carpeted library that had pretty cool books. You know, Lutherans are alright but what are your favorite action movies? Commando was on TV the other day. Have you seen that? There’s this part where Arnold is with this girl and they are in this awesome car chase. So Arnold smashes right into this terrorist and flips his car over! He then gets out and dangles the guy over a cliff! The girl doesn’t see this, she’s in the car or shopping or something, but Arnold drops him and the guy falls and dies. When he meets up with the girl, she asks him about what he did to the terrorist and, this is great, you’ll never believe this, he says “I let him go.”
!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know right? It’s funny cause the girl is satisfied thinking he really let him off the hook but Arnold dropped him like 60 STORIES onto rocks!

Anyways today I read that Shaxberd (people used to call him this in history!) left his second bed to his wife after he died and not his first which I don't think makes sense. Someone told me he wasn’t real though. I think I saw a history channel program about it once and they did a really good job of covering all the potential people that he could have been. Some people even think Queen Elizabeth could have been him! You know the British used to go to Italy and Spain and see women acting and get blown away because the women were actually good at stage. Can you believe that Tiffany14? They would come back to London and talk about how women were actually good at acting! In London they did this cross-dressing thing which is okay with me. My daddy doesn’t think so though. He got kind of upset when he came home and I was wearing my sister’s shoes. But he got over it and decided to take me to my new church that the president likes. It’s kind of creepy but we sing great songs and I get my head touched and sometimes I spasm a lot and fall down and bawl but everyone else is too so it’s okay. Do you believe in God Tiffany14?

Well I gotta go to sleep.
Hockeyman48

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extended predictions

1. Blake was right about the Sheena Easton comeback thanks to some suave dancing, but he neglected to mention the club remix, which will be done by lil' john and the Easton boys.
2. Speaking of crunk, purp will be in the cup all year long
3. Holes in the cerebral cortex will also be on the rise due to prediction #2
4. Curling will be finally recognized as a legitimate sport, right up there with lawn darts and 5 pin bowling.
5. Legalization of absinthe leaves thousands upset over drinking shitty 60% alc. anise flavored liquor with psychedelic effects that are few and far between.
6. Beard appreciation month (no shave november) will be acknowledged early, and will see record turnout.
7. Everyone will realize how lame facebook is and switch to just reading branches. (a man can dream)

Predictions From Blogopolis

Hi guys, it’s Blake and it’s that time of the year again! Predictions for 2008!!! Perhaps this list is a little late but what of it, we are living the future right now and cool stuff happens like every day. So here are some things I think would be cool if they happened in 2008.

1. Sheena Easton will make a massive come back and a shocking dance statement with her smooth moves in the critically acclaimed “9-5 (Morning Train)” music video.
2. A couple new fashion trends will sweep the nation. The first being matching ones clothes with what they are drinking. Margaritas? Yellow t-shirts and tan shorts duh. Cosmos? Pink sweaters and shiny jeans. Beer? Brown turtle necks and fucking brown dock martins. Aprons will also become popular.
3. In 2008, America will elect a president who fancies dueling. Wait, America will elect Andrew Jackson’s bones president.
4. KFed
5. Dinosaurs will become hip and the kids will start calling their friends by their reptilian surnames. Like Greggasaurous Rex. Or Jilatactyl. How about "Bronteosusan?"
6. On April 4^th, Scientists will invent a jacket that keeps warm by sending text messages.
   
7. Steve Rocco will reveal that he is not Andy Kaufman but rather John Lennon. Everyone wins.
   
8. Parents will demand they attend school with their children in order to keep them safe from terrorism. Also the kid leash, a favorite among traveling/mall going families, will be written into the constitution. On January 17, parents will be forced to keep their children on leashes at all times.
9. No one will say “pants.”
10. History will acknowledge itself and throw an awesome theme party for the world.

Well gosh, that is about everything I can think of right now. Hopefully these cool things will become fact in 2008! I’m curious to see what you predictions are for the upcoming year. Comment/post your guesses of what will make 2008 great!